The Sports Guide To Successful Relationships

The MLB playoffs are about to start and this shit means more to most than religion, the birth of their first child, and their wedding combined. If I have a girlfriend around this time of year I always end up fucking things up, well blame that on the Yankees. But last year I had a hot semi-famous bird who was kind of stupid and then the Yankees lost and I started yelling at her because she wouldn't leave me alone and then I called her a dick sucking whore and I wish she was back in Halifax because she was a shitty journalist and even shittier in the bed. That's pretty much what happened so here are some steps for everyone to avoid the sports "breakup." I'm speaking to someone, specifically but I'm sure some of y'all could pass this onto your girls:

1) If the Yankees lose don't talk to me for 3 hours after the game unless I speak to you. In other words emotions run high and I want to be left the fuck alone. There are no barriers, I will bring up your bald ass cat and how she's a faggot if you bother me when the Yankees lose.

2) Everytime the Yankees win, I expect something. Sex would be asking too much but I dead ass expect something. Victory and box goes well together, skype, cyber, sex, head, a meal, whatever I want fucking incentives heaux. 

3) If the Yankees win the world series, instant sex. Make it a night to remember, you HAVE to get pussy when you win the world series, it's in the Bible, Quran, and Torah man don't test God. 

4) If Derek Jeter grounds out to shortstop more than 2x a game, expect a hateful text. I want to hate Jeter but I can't, so I'm going to hate your ass instead.

5) If we lose in 7 games in the world series, expect every single one of your flaws to be exploited. I've been down this road before. 2001 still lingers in my mind. I have to compensate for it, so I'll pick on you, relentlessly. 

6) Always remember: 1) Yankees 2) You. Don't ever mistake it or think you're above the Yankees, or you'll fail as a partner and we'll fail miserably.

7) If Yanks win the world series I might say shit like "I want to Marry you." or " You're the one." It isn't true, I'm just enjoying the "high." So Don't take it to heart.

8) If Mariano Rivera blows a save, I'm going to ruin something you made. It could be a card, your clothes, your Dior lipstick that you love I don't give a fuck I'm going to smash it then will listen to Selena Gomez. 

9) If you aren't praying for the Yankees every night, let us just call it quits now. 

10) If we win, expect me to be arrogant, cocky, and flirt with your family members (again). If we lose, expect be to be bitter, annoying, and flirting with your family members (again) 

There you have it, I laid down the law and I ain't playing, just test me heaux.

I Blame Adele

I think my ex girl wants me killed. Everytime we talk she's bitter and lifeless and tries to be funny but just isn't and it's always a painful experience. For her anyway I find that shit hilarious. Well we hooked up sometime in August I think, I'd like to think mid-August before I went to Mexico. It was a one time thing lmao keeping in mind we broke up mid June. I don't really talk to her everyday more like 2x a month, if that. She pretends to be busy but every 2 weeks or so I'll hit her up and she'll be around the next day lmao. Well things kinda died off so I haven't heard from her in a while.

The other day, this scorned women re-appears from the depths of society ( I dunno what that means but it sounded fitting) and she's questioning me about Craigslist. As some of you know my 9-5 business is on craigslist so I'm wondering if she knows what I do for a living lmao and I'm starting to get worried like what the fuck did she see. I got no idea what she's talking about. Another sign of a scorned woman, she lets it go " oh, okay." 5 minutes later "Let's try this again." So frustrating and I heard through the grapevine, nevermind I dunno who reads this lmao. She questions me about something I did on craigslist, I was basically playing a prank with someone who needed a girlfriend and I sent him the details to my ex girl. That shit happened on twitter on September 6th. I've tweeted like 10000x since then. How scorned does 1 have to be to wake up, first of all you can't be getting good dick or any dick at all if you doing shit like this. But how angry does one have to be to wake up 1 morning and just go through hundreds upon hundreds of tweets all the way from early September.

The good news in all of this is the box is still mine if I ever wanted it, why else would you stalk someone who ended things 3 months ago. The bad news is this girl is insane. But is she normal? See I blame Adele. Adele dropped 2 albums. Let's say 17 songs an album, that's 34 songs. With the exception of Hometown Glory, this white talented Hippo got 33 songs crying about a dude. She got y'all girls fucked up. Once the relationship is over I move the fuck on but there's people in this world in dark ass rooms going through pages upon pages of social networking messages looking for "evidence." " I just wanted to see what was up and I saw that." LMAO nigga you might as well say " I miss your dick and I failed at life." I ain't bitter or anything though I got no ill will towards my ex (I don't think she'll ever read this but just incase I don't need more evidence against me.) But seriously, Adele fucked y'all up thinking it's okay to chase pavements, roll in the deep, and set fire to rain lmao.

The System Failed

I wanted to speak on some funny shit but this stuff been on my mind so I thought I'd share. Check this article: http://www.thestar.com/news/article/1059479--disabled-pickering-boy-took-his-own-life-after-he-was-mugged-and-bullied?bn=1

11 years old, mom dead with cancer, a disease that will slowly but surely leave you paralyzed, and on top of that someone bashed your head in for a fucking Iphone. But it gets worse, the feds force you to testify against a 12 year old, who probably been hurt himself, will get out in 6 months and still beat your ass. This world just ain't fucking fair, at all. But like I always said, this shit is intrinsic. We know how to fix it we just choose not to. It's easy to view a story like this, feel sorry for the kid and move on with your life. It's harder to read a story like this, place yourself in the situation of the kid and wonder about the causality. The other day I was thinking about the whole ideology surrounding suicide. I consider myself blessed I've never contemplated it, ever but there are people who have. There are people who make that decision to end their lives, no matter the cost for permanent relief of temporary pain. But it goes deeper than that. People kill themselves everyday unable to cope, you could look at different causes like divorce or debt but I've always felt there's something underlying, something so catastrophic in their eyes death is the only way out.

An 11 year old kills himself though and we got a problem. But no one knows about it. You turn on the news and you'll hear shit about rising gas prices, the Michael Jackson trial, Nancy Grace on Dancing with the Stars. An 11 year old kills himself 3 weeks ago and this shit now becoming news because it's a slow news day. You're telling me the school system couldn't do anything for a kid who was robbed? No teacher couldn't see that this boy needed help. Dude said he'd rather die and the cops still asked him to testify. You go to school, you get your degree, you try to get a reasonable GPA and then you work in a cubicle but the system is flawed. For every success story there are thousands of stories like this which just get swept under the rug. A kid whose balls ain't even drop yet kills himself and not one motherfucker will do anything in an effort to change it. Those in a position of power will blame the kids who mugged him. The kid who mugged him were 12, you can't blame a 12 year old for this fucking mess. Where are the programs to help a kid who been getting bullied to the point of suicide. Where are the programs to help a kid whose mother just died?

"high-risk time for youth and teen suicide, which remains the second-leading cause of death for Canadians aged 10 to 24."

 People out here killing themselves but the schools won't mind so long as they get passing rates from kids doing provincial wide testing. Bullying won't ever stop but when you got 10 year olds offing themselves, this is a major problem that needs to be dealt with asap. But instead those in a position to make the changes won't. We live in a harsh society and everyday it gets colder because we're so consumed with shit that doesn't make a difference, we fail to see what's really there: scarred souls, blood, tears, and death. But fuck it, focusing on the trial of a pedophile that was drugged is much more important that children who never got the chance to live. 

Caught Between 2 Worlds

Cleveland it was a great weekend thanks for all those who came out and I hope y'all had a blast. Indians game, UFC, and the Browns game was all crazy. Cleveland made me realize something. The world is the way it is for a reason. I read about social inequalities and things like how 1% of the world holds 99% of the world's monetary-related resources and shit like that. I've never believed in egalitarianism but all this time I've been blaming the government for being immoral, twisted and corrupt fucks. Which is fucking true in every sense of the word. But then I realized that the world is the way it is for a reason. 

I seen more face tats, guns, and wretched dark ass women more than I've ever seen in my life. Shout out to East Cleveland though lmao. If we change the distribution of wealth and give more to people like a nigga with a batman tattoo on his face, then the world will get even worse. What the world needs, before this Occupy Wall Street stuff and before any changes occur is a fundamental change of ideologies. This shit will take centuries to change. I saw people working a hard earned 9-5, the blacks blessed with jobs, they got off their work and headed straight to footlocker. God ain't going to save your ass with Jordans and a "Only God Can Judge Me" tattoo on your face nigga. The world wasn't designed to be equal for reasons like this. People are suffering day in and day out and the suits laugh but change comes from within. Yes, the system failed us as blacks but we're not helping the cause, we continue to play the role they told us we would play. 

It starts and ends with education. But even that's marred with debt. You occupy Wall Street then niggas with face tats get money and they go and buy more stupid shit. You try to better yourselves then you're faced with 80k worth of debt before you know it and you probably still won't get a job. It starts with having 2 parents, a desire to learn and better yourselves, a government who truly cares, citizens who truly want the best for each other and a lack of desires from a materialist standpoint. Fundamental change in the way we think is the only plan that will work and even before that kicks in I'll be long dead so why the fuck do I care. So fuck it, do whatever the fuck you want so long as the white girls prosper and the Yankees continue to win.

Reassurance

I'm amazed at how much people do for the approval of others. It's like most people are programmed to fill a need of reassurance. They need that approval, they need to solidify their own thoughts and beliefs with the opinions and perception of someone who doesn't even know them. I'm at Pearson Airport a few weeks ago, hung over like a motherfucker and thinking about the million things I'd rather be doing than standing in an airport line. Then I noticed it was all around me. I was surrounded by people who needed that reassurance from everyone else in an effort to make themselves feel better. 

There I was in a line and families were crying as their loved ones went away. Keep in mind this was for flights to the US. Big fucking deal your Uncle Ted who probable spends his time jacking off to foot fetish porn is going back to Dallas where we could jack off in peace. Big fucking deal your daughter is headed to Florida State where she'll be plowed by 6 black men with dreads wearing week-old deodorant in the first 10 days. But there was this couple there who couldn't stop crying. The chick was going away and she kept holding him, touching him, blah blah blah. Finally they break up the "look at me I'm happy" meeting and they separated. She's in tears, he's now gone. I had to find out what was up so I ask her what's going on. She said she's doing a semester in Texas for the fuck of it. No one goes to school for the "fuck of it." I dig deeper, still not content with any of her answers and before you know it she knows that I know she's lying. Met someone on facebook :)

That's 90% of humans right there. They ain't shit. They'll pretend to be happy, they'll pretend to be moral, they'll pretend to slow down when the light turns yellow, but deep down they're a dick sucking whore. In a few days after she fucks Mr. Facebook she'll justify it in some shitty way, to herself of course. "Oh, I wasn't content." "Oh, I've had a rough life I didn't know what to do." Nah whore you were just being the dick sucking whore you told yourself you'd never be. Here's how you alleviate all this shit. You love yourself. You know what's hilarious though, people only cheat because of 2 reasons. 1) They are not content with their partner (a rare case) 2) They are insecure and hate themselves (90% of all humans). The want to feel loved by anyone, even someone with an inverted penis and bad breath. That's how people see themselves, as nothing. Then what happens is they fuck up everything they had. Hence why I'm better than most of y'all lmao. I look in the mirror and see flaws of perfection, so that's what this blog was about, fuck you and fuck your insecure ass who blames everyone else for the perfect imperfections that will haunt you til the day you die, if you're one of "them."

I'm out, peace.

Back For The First Time

I couldn't help myself. The last blog got me in trouble, this blog will get me in some trouble, but it's in me to write. I don't know anything about form, like when or why, or what I'll write. I don't give a fuck about my audience though. I don't give a fuck about the money, though the last time I did this I made more than enough, even if it were spent on lawyers lmao. But fuck it I'm back at it, this time it's going to be different though. I'm no longer forcing shit and I'm no longer listening to anybody but myself. To sum it up: This is God given and if you believe otherwise, suck my dick.

I planned my funeral. Don't ask me why, I just planned it. It's not that I think I'm dying though my blood pressure might hint otherwise lmao. I don't fear death either, though I do fear handling death. But I planned my funeral, in depth. If one of y'all, and I'm sure there's a few of y'all that will outlive me, remember this. This might sound depressing to y'all but this excites me. I've worked briefly in this industry so I've seen it all. Here's what I want my funeral to be like:

Ideally, I don't want to be worm food, or burnt, fuck fire. I want to be in a crypt. If that shit's too expensive though, just burn me. I don't care how old I am, I want fuckin Hip-Hop, Arcade Fire, Queen, and Selena Gomez to be playing during that funeral ceremony/party/whatever the fuck you want to call it. Nothing in a church either I don't fuck with the church. I'd like a stripper there. She doesn't have to dance, I'd prefer if she was dressed normally but I'd like a stripper there. While everybody crying and shit I'd feel at peace with someone who doesn't know me or give a fuck about me there to alleviate that shitty aura. If I die in the summertime I'll have a dress code: Summer dresses for the chicks and the dudes could just rock a tee and jeans or shorts. No suits I don't care what season. I wish this shit was invite only but I don't think I have control over that. 

Whoever is speaking and shit I want them to speak the truth. I don't want to hear that "He was a great man who wouldn't hurt a soul." Truth is I'd hurt a soul, again and again. I want the truth, I don't care if they go up there and say he's a dicksucking faggot, so long as they believed what they said, it's all I care about. Oh and I want NO healthy food to be served at the wake/ceremony. Fries, fried chicken, kool-aid, pizza, chinese food. I want to go in the shittiest casket available, something similar to cardboard. Fuck age, I want to be dressed in a white tee, black jeans, Yankee fitted, and Jordans. Oh and If someone would be so kind to drop a few bottles of Blue Moon, and a few pictures with Savanna Sampson, it would be highly appreciated. Thanks.

It feels fucking GREAT to be back, I'm out, peace.