The MLB playoffs are about to start and this shit means more to most than religion, the birth of their first child, and their wedding combined. If I have a girlfriend around this time of year I always end up fucking things up, well blame that on the Yankees. But last year I had a hot semi-famous bird who was kind of stupid and then the Yankees lost and I started yelling at her because she wouldn't leave me alone and then I called her a dick sucking whore and I wish she was back in Halifax because she was a shitty journalist and even shittier in the bed. That's pretty much what happened so here are some steps for everyone to avoid the sports "breakup." I'm speaking to someone, specifically but I'm sure some of y'all could pass this onto your girls:
1) If the Yankees lose don't talk to me for 3 hours after the game unless I speak to you. In other words emotions run high and I want to be left the fuck alone. There are no barriers, I will bring up your bald ass cat and how she's a faggot if you bother me when the Yankees lose.
2) Everytime the Yankees win, I expect something. Sex would be asking too much but I dead ass expect something. Victory and box goes well together, skype, cyber, sex, head, a meal, whatever I want fucking incentives heaux.
3) If the Yankees win the world series, instant sex. Make it a night to remember, you HAVE to get pussy when you win the world series, it's in the Bible, Quran, and Torah man don't test God.
4) If Derek Jeter grounds out to shortstop more than 2x a game, expect a hateful text. I want to hate Jeter but I can't, so I'm going to hate your ass instead.
5) If we lose in 7 games in the world series, expect every single one of your flaws to be exploited. I've been down this road before. 2001 still lingers in my mind. I have to compensate for it, so I'll pick on you, relentlessly.
6) Always remember: 1) Yankees 2) You. Don't ever mistake it or think you're above the Yankees, or you'll fail as a partner and we'll fail miserably.
7) If Yanks win the world series I might say shit like "I want to Marry you." or " You're the one." It isn't true, I'm just enjoying the "high." So Don't take it to heart.
8) If Mariano Rivera blows a save, I'm going to ruin something you made. It could be a card, your clothes, your Dior lipstick that you love I don't give a fuck I'm going to smash it then will listen to Selena Gomez.
9) If you aren't praying for the Yankees every night, let us just call it quits now.
10) If we win, expect me to be arrogant, cocky, and flirt with your family members (again). If we lose, expect be to be bitter, annoying, and flirting with your family members (again)
There you have it, I laid down the law and I ain't playing, just test me heaux.
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