I told y'all I don't give a fuck about my audience and this is one of those "oh no I think he's suicidal blogs." Trust me I'm not I'm just thinking, allow me to breathe niggas. The hardest things I've ever had to deal with in life is coming to the realization that things aren't the way I thought they were, are, or going to be. It has some sort of crippling effect, worse than dealing with death, divorce, or persecution. See there's causality in all those things, in the shit I'm trying to explain there really isn't. No cause and effect, just one day being forced with the reality that your reality wasn't really real in the first place. Damn I'm good. So you try to fight it, you stay occupied, you jump out of the past, you pretend it doesn't bother you but you can't get away. Until you're in some state where you're just there and everything is passing you by, but you're standing still. Fucking weird but it happened to me the other day. Can't explain it other than standing there while time is moving and I'm physically incapable of moving with it. In some mental state that is moving so quickly all I could see a blur. Surreal shit that you probably never have or will experience. Or maybe we all do and just don't know it.
Does anyone really leave their past. Everything is fine and good one day but the next you wake up and a loved one is gone, how the fuck do you just get up from that. You were fine the day before but for the rest of your life you're "coping." We all cope, we all settle, we all do things just to get by. It's like life has fucked us and we take the minor victories while settling for major losses. There's something fucked up in the way we think, the way I think. I was talking to my Grandma today I said Janet tell me what's the biggest thing you remember in all your life. The memory that stands out the most. She said the day she found out my Grandpa was cheating. They're still together but their marriage is about as lifeless as Adele's relationships. I was thinking, you lived on this earth for 60 odd years, you got 3 kids, 3 grandkids, can't read or write but made a life for yourself, you got cable tv and you got all this good shit going for you but you remember the bad.
I asked myself the same fucking question and what to do you know, I come up with the worst memory I could think of. That's that crippling thing I was telling y'all about. The day you realize things aren't the way they are, the cracks in the foundation are visible and the thing or life you thought you knew is suddenly completely foreign and strange. Yet you use hope, and sometimes faith to cope. For how long? A lifetime if you're my grandma. It's amazing isn't it? You wake up each morning thinking tomorrow will be different, only coming to the conclusion that tomorrow was exactly like yesterday, only disguised differently. We got 7 million different ways to cope with it but not one to fix it. Letting go is impossible, moving on is impossible, coping is the only possible outcome. Most find solace, myself included, in a higher-being, something bigger than tomorrow. Yet happiness isn't in tomorrow, it's in today, so why so we keep waiting for the next day?
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